...THE DIARY OF A MADD! CAT...
DAY 1-- My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 2 -- Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 3 -- Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 4-- Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 5- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 6 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage....
DAY 7 -- I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
BET YOU KITTY'S OUT THERE CAN'T DO THIS!! MEOUUUUWWWW!
.....CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART.....
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
!!! YOU HAVE NOW BEGUN ONE OF THE WILDEST 60 SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE !!!
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
BUT AT LEAST NOW HE SMELLS A LOT BETTER .....
...WOWIE...SIMBY GOT THE BEST NEWS!!! FOUND OUT I HAVE A COUSIN MEOUUUUWWWWW !!!
.... HIS NAME IS KEISA....I CAN HARDLY TELL US APART COULD HAVE LOT'S OF FUN WITH HIM!
WE PROBABLY THINK ALOT A-LIKE TOOOOOO !!
HEY! KEISA....WANT TO HAVE A TOTE OF MILK WITH ME AND SIMBY!
KEISA ...IS A KOOOOOL KAT! ... . BETCHA HE LIKES TOOOO PLAY ALOT HOW KOOOL IS THAT...GLAD WERE RELATED!!
.....KEISA IS FROM THE WONDERFUL !! PURRFECT SPOT CATTERY TOOOOO.....!!
...FUNNY KITTEH! ...3 BEST BUDDY'S FOREVER!! ....
...ADOPT AN ANIMAL...THE ASPINALL FOUNDATION...
HEY GUY'S!!! IF YOU CARE ABOUT US CUTE KAT'S WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET! MEOUUUUW!
WE ARE IN PHILADELPHIA, PA.
..THIS IS A FAB! CAT! RESCUE & ADOPTIONS ...CAT'S ONLY!...SEE BELOW LINKS!
HOW TO GIVE YOUR KITTY A PILL!......
1. Hold cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a good kitty." throw pill into cat's mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and the pill from under the sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold the cat's front paws down with your left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Toss pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in a bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of a chair, fold your body over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's ok!.
6. Leave your cat hanging on drapes. Get the pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, Scream Loud!.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Get cat and The pill. Assuming position # 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open your cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
11. get the cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant near you!.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over it"s stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten your cat!
14. Roll the cat in towel. Work fast; time and Kitty's wait for no one!
15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snap-dragon.
16. Drop the pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. wow! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose cat fur ( Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and try to calm down!!!!!
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Spraying, or marking territory with urine, is a natural behavior
For both male and female cats. It is a form of communication, and
Should not be confused with ordinary urination outside of the litter
Box. Spraying usually involves just a small amount of urine
And occurs on walls, furniture, the floor, or, occasionally, the
owner’s clothes or bedding. A cat that is marking on the floor will
Leave just a small amount of urine. It will not turn around to
Sniff and paw at the area, as is the case in urination. It will just
Walk away after marking. A trail of urine on the floor means the
Cat was standing to spray and not squatting to urinate.
You can help diminish your cat’s need to spray by creating
“friendly zones” by using your cat’s own pheromones or Feliway,
A synthetic feline pheromone available in many stores.To use
Your cat’s pheromones, rub a soft cloth between your cat’s eye
And ear.Wipe the cloth on the soiled area repeatedly over several
Weeks. This tells your cat this is a “friendly zone” and diminishes
Its need to mark the area.
Follow the product’s directions, spraying
It on the soiled areas several times for a month. Also, use it
On high-risk areas like the edge of a sofa or on walls. Place
Scratching posts in areas that are marked so the cat will mark
With the scent off its pads and not with urine. Try to keep stray
Cats away from your house.
Cats may also mark their territory with feces. Signs of this type
Of territorial marking include defecation in a very conspicuous
And unusual spot, such as on top of a table.
We humans often cannot get along with other humans because the tone of their skin differs from ours.
How much can we learn from these two species, whose love for each other spans across species lines?
A MESSAGE FOR YOU CLICK PLAY!
... CUTE KAT JOKE!...
RELAX HAVE A GOOD DAY!
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
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